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"It is the writer's role not to say what we can all say, but what we have been unable to say." --Anais Nin

Anais Nin was certainly a lady who was ahead of her time. She lived "out loud" in a time when it was not considered the thing for a woman to do.

She has another quote which I am unable to find this morning so with apologies I will paraphrase:

One can only break free of the chrysalis when it becomes more painful to stay inside than it is to break free.

A friend of mine is terribly worried about her teenage daughter who is in a verbally/physically abusive relationship. She asked me why women stay so long – why don’t they leave?

Not alot is said about this issue. There is alot of discussion about what motivates an abuser, but the long term effects on the victim are often overlooked. I am going to attempt to say what many have been unable to say.

It is thankfully beyond most people’s imaginings that someone they love and trust above all others could actually intentionally harm them. When that happens your whole belief system, your whole world is turned upside down. They are of course very sorry and promise that it won’t happen again. They make you feel like it was your fault, that you are the cause of their anger, of the problems in their life. Time passes and the memory fades, but a kernel of fear remains. You actually want to believe that it was your fault, because otherwise the person you love isn’t the person you thought they were at all.

Then it happens again. And again. To actually experience violence is a shattering experience. To be in fear of your life and from someone that you love is unthinkable. It is the ultimate betrayal. Even when it is happening you can’t believe it. Then it is over. The apologies are given. The kernel of fear grows. You become more isolated as you try to control what is happening. You try anything to stop it from recurring. But you can’t stop it, because you aren’t the cause of it. You begin to realize that it isn’t your fault. Your life takes on a surreal kind of quality. That kernel of fear grows like a weed inside your brain and chokes out any love that might still remain – but you still stay….why?

Many times fear is a factor. You have been told over and over that you are worthless, that without your partner you would be nothing. Your self-esteem and confidence plummet. With every bruise and tear and cruel word love dies and the kernel of fear grows. What if your leaving makes him angry enough to kill you? What if you stay and he kills you? What if you defend yourself and kill him?

People who are aware of the situation may become frustrated. "Why doesn't she just leave?"

Suprisingly and sadly the family, the group you would most count on for support is often not on your side. There is the taboo of domestic violence and denial that it happens "in our family". The shame of having a marriage break up under those circumstances is a real concern to some families. Older generations may believe that you should just "put up with it". That it is all part of "being a wife". Or, you "must have done something to deserve it." To hear something like that from your own flesh and blood does not instill the confidence you need to break free and start afresh.

Eventually, it becomes intolerable. It has finally become more painful to stay than to go. You break free from the chrysalis of hurt and self doubt. Unfortunately, the time you need the most strength is when you are drained, both physically and emotionally.

To walk away from a life that is all you have known for so many years is not easy. To leave everything behind and walk away into the unknown requires reaching for depths of courage that you don’t even think you possess. You waver, time has passed, was it really that bad? Maybe he will change. Maybe this time it will be different. Maybe not.

You realize how much you don’t know. How much you have forgotten. Life has to go on while your world gets slowly turned upside down. Work has to be done, bills have to be paid and you have to learn to make it on your own.

You have not only lost your home, your lifestyle, your identity - you have lost your partner, the person you promised to love, honor and obey.

Starting over is terrifying. Tiny things become huge issues. Emotions are raw and you feel more vulnerable than you have ever felt in your life.

You may have ongoing problems with trust. It may be hard to believe that anyone will ever truly care for you again. Fear of men and intimacy in general can be a problem.

Hopefully, women finding themselves in this situation will have strong support systems Professional help to deal with the long term effects of violence and abuse. Good friends (and good wine!) to listen and help. If they can’t talk to a friend or family member then to seek out a counselor, anyone they can talk to.

Time does heal most things. Nightmares fade, life goes on. It is a struggle, but ultimately worth it. To come to the realization that change must happen is different for every woman. To gather strength to make the change, to do it, will be different for each woman. I hope that anyone who is going through the nightmare of abuse can reach out to someone and find the help they need to put them on the road to recovery.

As for my friend’s daughter? She has the double edged sword of youth. On one hand she is young, resilient, will bounce back. On the other hand she lacks the wisdom to recognize her self worth and ability to cope on her own. If she can’t listen to her mother, I hope and pray she will find someone to help her escape. In the meantime all anyone can do is offer her support and unconditional and unjudgemental love, the kind she is not getting from her partner. Hopefully she will gather strength and break free from the chrysalis that is holding her prisoner.