January 19, 2005

• "You see things and say 'Why?' ; but I dream things that never were and I say 'Why not?'"      -    George Bernard Shaw

  
  

  "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. "  -  Mark Twain

  
  

  "It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot

  
  

  Wow, three quotes. They are multiplying!! I have been feeling a certain restlessness, and helplessness,  a dissatisfaction lately. That is not to say I have been unhappy, I am actually very happy. I just feel .....  stalled. This impatient aries wants it all and she wants it now!

  
  

  There are so many things that I want to do that have to wait. I am looking forward to the coming year with such a feeling of anticipation and excitement (and yes, fear).

  
  

  Another quote! " If you don't risk anything, you risk even more" (Erica Jong). That one is posted right beside me on our bulletin board. It seems appropriate for my situation.

  
  

  I have been through some interesting times this year and during this January cold snap my enforced hibernation has made me feel introspective. Over the course of this year I have discovered my hidden strengths (and weaknesses). I have learned and laughed and prevailed. I think I am a very different person from the scared little mouse that embarked on this journey almost one year ago. I think I am different, yet in some ways I am not. I still have fears and insecurities. I still have deep wounds and scars. I am reminded of this at the oddest times. When I am feeling confident and strong I suddenly wobble and falter. I saw on another blog a line that said it well - "I am stumbling but not crumbling."

  
  

  I have learned alot about myself and about life in general. I have learned more about my needs and desires than I had in my previous 40 odd years of life.  In some ways this has been a "selfish" year. A year where I have put myself first....it has all been "about me". Learning about who I am and what I want.

  
  

  In a week I will have my official separation completed. I will shortly be able to file for divorce. Within a few months I will again be a single woman, something I have not been since my twenties. The pain and bad memories begin to fade. More new beginnings. Excitement tinged with sadness, but not regret.

  
  

  Now I am ready to take on some of the biggest responsibilities of my life. Some of the greatest risks. All of them are by choice and I look forward to them with anticipation. It is almost as if this year were a "practice run". That I have been in a kind of "limbo" just waiting for this time.

  
  

  That is why it is so hard now to wait! Just a few more months (3) in a temporary home. I want to press forward now, while I have the confidence and the energy. I want to put all my plans into motion, not sit on the sidelines and wait.

  
  

  I have been lucky in so many ways. Along the way this year I met a very special man. His kindness and gentleness came into my life when I most needed it. He renewed my belief in my ability to love and be loved. His faith in me and my ability to succeed gives me the strength to keep going when times are tough. His willingness to let me find my own way and walk my own path while still standing close by boosts my confidence. His humour brightens my days and washes away my tears. His talent quite simply takes my breath away.  I don't mention him often because I know he values his privacy, but he does deserve an enormous thank you. I thank you "old hound" with all of my heart!

  
  

  The monumental task (and I don't think I am exaggerating!) of  renovating my house will soon begin. I will have so much to learn, and I will stumble on the way, but it will be the experience of a lifetime. I have never been afraid of hard work. Hopefully I will be able to approach each task with joy and love and rise to the challenge.

  
  

  I have dreams that years ago I never would have dared imagine, yet I can now envision those dreams coming true. They seem possible and within reach. I want to do things and try things, I want to be more than I ever have been before. I want to look back twenty years from now and smile and say WOW! .......but.......

  
  

  Right now, its cold and snowy. I don't want to stir from my apartment unless I have to. This is my least active time of year. I put off and procrastinate and long for spring. I can't get into my house, can't measure and maneuvre. I can't pack my things away because it's too early. I don't want to start any new projects because I'll be moving, so I plan, plan, plan! I plan and dream and feel.....   Restless, restless, restless!

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  • 8:25 pm
  • 1 Comment