January 26, 2005

• So much for my new found state of passion with reason! I obviously still have a ways to go as you will see.

  
  

  I was up early for my 9am appointment with my lawyer and soon to be ex-husband. This is not a good time when you work permenant evening shifts and both your body and mind are used to going to bed late and getting up even later. My alarm went off and despite my complete and utter disbelief it was in fact 7am. I managed to drag myself out of bed and got ready to go. Waited an inordinate amount of time for an elevator (I will not miss that joy in a few months), gave up and took the stairs. Traffic and roads were terrible from the snow that fell last night.

  
  

  Now being misslill kicks in. I am neurotically punctual. I hate more than anything to be late, so I always give myself plenty of time. I foolishly headed to the office building using a different route than my previous visit. Big mistake! Have you ever noticed how with today’s architecture all these buildings look the same? And how they build them all alongside one another? I parked by the building I thought was mine and went inside. It didn’t look quite like I remembered it. I looked at the directory and with a suddenly dawning sense of horror realized I didn’t know the office number. I couldn’t even remember the name of the firm! I felt at that moment such a rising sense of frustration and desperation and panic that I just wanted to sit down in the middle of that lobby and cry. But I didn’t.

  
  

  I trudged off in the snow and wind to the next office building, cursing my unique ability to be totally unprepared. Who else would leave their home with no address, name….anything! Of course it was stress and fatigue kicking in and making me forget the vital details I had previously known, but knowing that didn’t make it any easier.
  
  On my third building the lobby looked more familiar and there was a mediator/law office name that sounded right. I hopped on the elevator, got off on the fourth floor and realized I had forgotten the number again! I wandered around and finally found it, but the door was locked. I was 90% sure I was at the right place, that 10% of doubt was still stressing me out. I had the bright idea of checking my email with my cel phone, knowing I had saved the letter with the address etc. As I was doing so, my lawyer came off the elevator. Late as I was, everyone else was even later. Of course I didn’t mention my little "adventure".

  
  

  My "ex" arrived soon after and we went into the office to continue. The separation agreement was drawn up in its final form. As we read through it for the last time everything felt very unreal, almost as if I were in a movie. I hate having to concentrate when I am tired. I felt detached from the whole situation. I could hear very plainly the people in the next office talking. My lawyer was prattling on about the thin walls in her condo and how 20 out of 35 units were tenanted by gays. My ex was oozing his usual charm and good humor that he reserves for strangers. He was also picking out typo’s and questioning tiny details. Corrections to be made - our ages wrong, copies to intial. In that moment, I looked at him and felt a pure white hot hatred. I truly felt like I wanted to scream.

  
  

  Letters were given to me, explaining to the bank where my money was coming from. The divorce papers were signed, but still needed to be notarized. We trudged off to a lawyer across the way to have that done. Ten dollars each signature. The settlement cheque was photocopied and handed over to me as I signed the papers relinquishing all claim to the house I had lived in for the last 15 years. The lawyer and my ex joked about the quality of ink on the photocopier and I just thought about the absurdity of the situation.

  
  

  How odd to have a price put on time. Time and emotion and broken dreams and broken hearts, all with a price tag attached. I thought back to the time when I had signed my marriage certificate. What plans I had! What hopes and dreams! Which one of us could ever look ahead and guess where we would be, financially or emotionally in the distant future. It felt strange having a relationship, even a failed one broken down into dollars and cents. I started to feel angry. What about all my pain? All my tears? All the upheaval? All my despair? What about all the promises to love and honour? Where is the payment for that? Then I just felt empty. What was the point? It was all over a long, long time ago and I am just too tired to fight any more. I put the cheque in my purse and just wanted to go home. He won, if it was ever a contest or game,  but I don’t care, it’s over. It’s finally over.

  • 11:32 am
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