January 27, 2005
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Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius BC 551-479
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
I have changed alot over the last year. Because of this I feel in some ways that I no longer know who I am. Right now I have alot of emotions and thoughts going through my mind. Anger, fear, excitement, happiness, anticipation all jumbled up.
I don't know how to sort them all out. I suppose they will sort themselves out in their own time. All of the choices I have made, all the decisions - for the first time in many, many years - have been made alone. No one to depend on to look after things, no safety net to catch me if I fall. Now, soon, all these choices and decisions will be coming to fruition and we will see how I did. It is a frightening time for me.
Not having a mother to turn to at this time has been difficult. I haven't heard from her since I went to see her for her birthday. I now believe that she will never contact me, any communication will have to come from my side of the fence. A mother/daughter relationship is different to any other in my opinion. You expect acceptance and unconditional love. You expect that bond to be unbreakable, until it becomes broken.
In my quest for reawakening I am gradually emerging from my self imposed exile. Saturday afternoon I am getting my hair cut and coloured. Perhaps something tres exotic! I have been watching far too many serious movies lately and becoming a real couch potato. Angela's Ashes, Howard's End, Femme Fatale, Cold Mountain, Mulholland Drive. Time for some lighter fare. Sheila has kindly lent me the Matrix and I picked up ED TV from Wal Mart. I am going to stretch my culinary muscles this weekend with some recipes given to me by Yvonne, Yogurt Chicken and Home Made Perogies. I will experiment on the old hound who claims to like anything. We shall see......
I also picked up all the new Sears catalogues. I believe that catalogues are great therapy. They let you plan and dream and don't cost a penny. When the weather is nicer I want to start roaming the aisles of Home Depot and Rona Hardware for ideas for my new home. Lightswitch plates, door knobs, light fixtures.....I can't wait!! All my second hand stores and usual haunts will be waiting for me too. Poor Winners and Home Sense, there share prices must have plummeted this last month since I didn't set foot in either one!
It is time for me to get moving and get more active physically. I hereby resolve to do my yoga at least twice a week and go for a walk at least twice a week. My diet lately has been very unhealthy (for me). Usually an organic, natural food person I have lately been taking the easy way out and been eating prepared, additive filled junk. It isn't good for my body, my stomach or my mind. A little junk food is a good thing, a steady diet of it is not. I can feel the excess weight and I don't like it. It has to go. Luckily for me it doesn't take long. All I really have to do is stop eating bread and rice for a week. It's just that all the easy, cheap, convenient foods are the high carb unhealthy ones. No more laziness! Back to my kitchen and my old habits!
Comments (6)
Yogurt Chicken. Sounds, delightful, haha. You need to watch some good ol' Westerns
Like, "Five Card Stud" and "Quigley Down Under". My grandfather got me hooked on westerns. 
Hope you get to go to the Depot! [ I love that word ... depot. ] Thanks for commenting alot, I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to it.
- Mindah
I do like westerns, but haven't seen any for ages. You are right, I miss the horses and cowboys! Stories with a moral and (usually) a happy ending!
I love catalogs too - I thought I was the only one! Why do you think I bring in so many for us all to read? I could look through them for hours. Anyway, when you finish watching Matrix and if you want to, I've got the other two in the series if you want to see what happens. Good for you (getting your hair done). I believe it is a type of therapy - and the shampoo/scalp massage feels heavenly - a new misslill needs new hair. Getting back to yoga and meditation will also ease your physical and mental stress. Ohhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm.
thanks Sheila, I have definately been ignoring my spiritual side, but things are-a-changin' round here!
I sent this to "Represser" from xanga and it applies to you and I as well. "Know that, no matter what has happened or what is happening, mothers and daughters can never be anything less than mothers and daughters. They can only sort out what is in between being in such roles." Being good to yourself is always the best thing for your soul.
She will always be my mother and I will always be there if and when she decides she wants to be part of my life again. I will always be her daughter and will always respect that bond.
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