January 29, 2005

• People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering. - St. Augustine

  
  

  When I stop and think about the potential we have and our resiliance it does boggle my mind. It is easy to take all that we are for granted, especially when everything is going smoothly. We can learn and build and create, and unfortunately we can also hurt and destroy. Our ability to continually renew and reinvent ourselves is amazing and our ability to overcome hardship and persevere is wonderful. We truly are amazing creatures.

  
  

  The topic of reinventing onesself came up lately. The question was, is it necessary to erase your past in order to reinvent yourself? I don't think it is necessary, but in some cases it can be desirable. You can change your ways, eliminate bad habits, learn new skills, develop new talents, but if a destructive past encroaches on this new foundation it could erode any new growth. Painful memories can spark fears that can immobilize growth and refuse to allow love and trust into one's life. Continuing to delve into and relive a painful past can get you stuck in the mire of memories, unable to move forward to create new ones.

  
  

  As you tentatively try out your new wings of confidence and independance it really doesn't take much to send you scurrying back from whence you came. Each step, each realized goal takes you further from who you were and closer to who you are becoming. (The problem is that in the meantime you sometimes don't quite know who you are! )

  
  

  In the course of a "normal" life, the past is a firm foundation on which you can grow and evolve. You can embrace who you were as you become who you are. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. Each person deals with their "demons" in different ways. Some try to bury them, some court them, some face them and discard them. Whatever works for the individual and keeps them healthy is the right choice.

  
  

  For myself, I believe I do a little of all of them. There are certainly parts of my past that I have discarded. I am no longer victimized, have gained independence and  strength that I didn't know I possessed. I kept the part of me that I value, the core of my creative soul that remains ever hopeful and naive. Unfortunately there are also the buried parts of the past that loom up at unexpected times in unexpected ways. Night terrors, sleepwalking, irrational fears. One day I hope to be able to unearth those memories and fling them aside once and for all. One day when enough time has passed to make them less painful and less traumatic to think about I will do that. Then I will consider myself truly "reinvented".

  • 12:16 am
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