Spring is in the air! The sun was shining today and my energy level was high. Before work I went for a brisk walk as part of my "get moving" plan and thoroughly enjoyed it. Although there is still alot of snow, it is starting to melt. The power of the sun felt stronger, almost strong enough to sink into my poor cold chilled bones!
Since I work permenant evening shifts my mornings are my own. I can either sleep them away (which I admit I do on occasion!) or get up and accomplish magnificent things. It usually depends on what time I fall asleep. I get home around midnight, but sometimes can't sleep until 2, 3 or even 4am. Other nights I will just hop right into bed fairly soon after getting home.
I've been trying to improve my diet health wise and get rid of some bad habits I acquired this winter. In doing so I have been thinking about suddenly finding myself in "middle age" , my body image and weight.
Body image, food intake, appearance, it is so easy to become obsessed. Every magazine you look at is plastered with pictures of either too thin stars or "too fat" stars. All the articles are on how to look younger or get thinner. Female role models are teenagers, many of whom have already had body enhancing plastic surgery.
As a teenager I was a skinny size 7, but had zero self confidence and low self esteem. I never felt attractive or comfortable with my body. In my twenties I was married, and always worried about whether or not I was attractive to my husband. Throughout my marriage my choices revolved around his likes and dislikes as opposed to mine. I always kept my hair long because he hated short hair on women. I wore fairly conservative clothes in public because he didn't like it if I attracted "attention". When I shopped it wasn't for something I liked, it was for something that he would like. Eventually, I lost all sense of how I felt about my appearance, about how I wanted to look.
Now, in my forties I am a comfy size 12. Sometimes I am shocked by the face that peers back at me in the mirror. Where did those lines come from? When did those gray hairs start to creep in? Who do those oh so serious eyes belong to? Then I laugh and realize it's the same old face, just a little more worn, a little bit older. Despite the obvious changes I feel more at ease, more comfortable in my skin than in any other decade of my life.
Obviously I will never again have the body of a twenty year old. My buns and abs are NOT made of steel, my boobs are NOT perky. (I will never again pass the pencil test!). But it's okay. There is now a measure of self acceptance that I never had when I was younger. I accept what I can't change (or don't want to change) and expect others to do the same.
I can experiment more with looks and fashion. I can take more chances and flirt with eccentricity without that youthful angst that permeates our society. Age may bring its share of problems but it also brings a degree of freedom and (dare I say it!) wisdom that I wouldn't trade for a dip in the fountain of youth.
I still feel energetic. I still feel "sexy", sometimes even beautiful! I can still run up the stairs as well as I ever did. (Okay, it was never that great, but at least it isn't any worse! 
) I guess the bad part about getting older is that inside you really don't feel any different than when you were young........or maybe that's the best part about getting old!
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me,
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired And gobble
up samples in shops and press alarm bells And run my stick
along the public railings And make up for the sobriety of
my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit. You can wear terrible shirts and
grow more fat And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and a pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and
beermats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry And pay our
rent and not swear in the street. And set a good example
for the children. We will have friends to dinner and read
the papers. But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old and start to wear purple.
~ Jenny Joseph ~
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