Exciting Micro - Movement Alert:

I put in my change of address at the post office and bought some cleaning products for the big clean up to come!! Thanks to Sheila for the heads up at the sale at Shoppers Drug Mart. I also bought a box of dish soap for the dishwasher so I can start to use it right away!!

Found a pair of three gorgeous nesting tables at Winners (where else) that had my name on it. Just made it to work on time...on the dot!!

Refreshed, Rejuvenated and Ready to Rock and Roll!!

Here I am, back from the great (not so white) north. The old hound and I spent Easter with his family. I had a wonderful time and as always am just blown away at how they always manage to make me feel so welcome. Of course having some extra days to spend with the old hound is always special too!!

This little holiday comes in the middle of a chaotic, frantic time for me as I prepare for the BIG MOVE. In two weeks I get the key to the house. I should be panicking, but I'm not. I am  however, starting to get excited!

The drive up north was lovely, much different from the blizzard at Christmas time. We didn't even bother to stop along the way.  From the moment we arrived to even after we left (thanks to a lovely "doggie bag") we were fed. Well fed. I sampled more fantastic dishes in three days than I would normally have in a month.

I also had the chance to learn. I learned about freezing vegetables, about different pastas, about trimming grape vines and preserving fruits. I learned how to prepare some different dishes and about making bread. Food with exotic evocative names like puttanesca,(whore pasta), arrabiata (angry pasta), eggs in purgatory....etc. I love it when people share their knowledge about things they truly care about. It makes the passing on of culture and skills so much more interesting and also more special. I learned about so many things this weekend, and what makes it nicer is that each time I do one of the things they taught me, I will think of them. In that way, spirit is shared and lives on and on.

So many people have opened their hearts and their homes to me. People have gone out of their way to be kind and accomodating. It is overwhelming and heartwarming. The old hound is lucky to have such a close and caring family, and I feel blessed to be included in their celebrations of life.

It was cleansing to not have access to a computer for three days. It was theraputic not to be home where I would feel obligated to either pack, organize or look up information. I was completely removed physically and mentally from a highly stressed environment and what a difference it has made. I feel I am thinking more clearly (for me anyway!  ) and much more able to cope. I no longer feel like I am careening down a mountain out of control at top speed - more like rolling down a big hill at a good clip!! I have had a chance to regroup and catch my breath before the next big tasks approach. The sense of panic has subsided and been replaced with my usual calmer state of mind. To step back and look at the big picture was just what I needed.

For the first time in months I felt truly relaxed and at peace. I felt able to cope with whatever life might send my way. (Not that that is a challenge mind you!). Miss Sleep Disorder was even able to NAP, to fall asleep in a strange bed, in a strange house, in the middle of the afternoon. It must be a magical place indeed.

The fresh air and sunshine were also a great boon. Feeling that warmth on your cheek and seeing the buds on the trees, you just know that things will work out. Maybe not how you intend, but they WILL work out. The wheel turns in it's cycle of birth, death, rebirth and we move with it. These are exciting times and should be enjoyed and embraced, not dreaded or stewed over.

When you don't know what to do and have to make a choice or decision I believe in this method: Just make your choice and then make that choice the right choice by your actions thereafter. Any choice can be the right choice, you just have to make it happen.

How often have we put off trying something new or doing something different because of the opinions (albeit well meaning) of others.

When somebody tells you "you can't", or "you shouldn't" or "it won't work", just remember that the people we often think are smarter than us ......are not!!  

Happy Easter Everybody!!

The Calm Before The Storm

John Steinbeck
Men do change, and change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, and it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass.

George Eliot
It is never too late to become what you might have been.

Henry Kissinger
There cannot be a stressful crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

I can feel the wind of change coming ever closer. It's softly touching my cheek and rustles in my ear. I can smell it in the spring thaw and feel it in the tingling of every nerve. The universe hasn't finished with me yet!

This is a time of change, growth and renewal for everyone. We shake off winter's blanket of cold darkness and yearn for the gentle warming light of spring. Stretching muscles long unused and letting our imaginations once again run free we believe that anything is possible, and the funny thing is - it is.

Whether you celebrate Easter or Ostara or any other religious rite, the symbols are all around us. The robins have returned to their nesting places, the trees are in bud and the promise of rebirth is all around us. Of course the stores are full of easter eggs, chocolate bunnies and all the paraphenalia of the commercial bonanza that each holiday has become.

Eggs are of course a symbol of fertility. In Ostara the white represents the Goddess and the yolk the God. The colouring of the eggs also has meaning that most people are unaware of. The circular bands around them represent the eternal cycle of birth, death and rebirth. Where the bands cross form solar crosses (equal armed) representing the union of spirit and matter (or male and female). The geometric designs also have meaning. Triangles represent the three formed Goddess (maiden, mother, crone). Squares represent the earth. Ladders mean planes of existence, wavey lines water etc. etc. These ancient symbols are still reproduced on the tin foil of commercial foil wrapped easter eggs. Take a peek next time you are in the stores.

Rabbits were also a symbol of fertility and also of luck. Even the baskets filled with grass have pagan roots. (pun not intended ) Sometimes we need to remember just how old the Earth really is and that each belief we hold came from an older belief.

This has been (so far) a week of quiet reflection for me, mixed with tentative glimpses towards my future. I have stopped trying to accomplish everything all at once and deliberately am slowing down.

I did manage to solve (I hope) my oil/gas/insurance dilemna. After phoning company after company with no luck at all, a gentleman whom I had left a message for called me back. He also couldn't help me, but directed me towards a company that could.

I really must say here that everyone I have dealt with has been remarkably kind and even though they couldn't help, went out of their way to try and help. Anonymous people on the end of the phone lines have looked up numbers for me, company names etc. with no hope of benefit to themselves.

The upshot is that I called Thermoshell. They told me that if I call on the day I get my key to the house they will send a man out the same day to inspect the furnace and tank. If it is acceptable, no problem. If it is not, they can provide something that is. Within 90 days a government inspector will call (!!) and check out my tank. I think that must be sufficient for my insurance company. Either that or I can hand them a knife and tell them to just cut out my heart and have done with it!

I still have so much to do. Packing is of course the hardest. I want to have as much done before I get my keys on the 12th as possible so I can spend my time at the house working on it before my move on the 20th. Working full time (how inconvenient  ) makes it difficult because depending on how busy we were that night really reflects on how early I get up and how much I accomplish. As Henry above says, I don't have time for a stressful crisis!!

I picked up a change of address form at the post office and mailed off my tax return. This is significant because it is the first piece of mail that has my new return address on it. I also mailed an Easter card to my parents. I have not seen or heard from them since January. I did receive an Easter card from them today simply signed "from" mum and dad. I have to admit that it made me cry.

Today my goal is to empty my car of the boxes I have been collecting, lug them all upstairs and find a corner for them to lurk in until I am ready to fill them with my worldly goods. I then want to tidy the trunk and get my car washed all pretty for the long weekend.

I am going to spend easter up north with the old hound and his family. They are always so kind and welcoming and I look forward to seeing them again. It seems impossible to me that it has only been a few months since we were last up there. So much has happened that it feels like a lifetime.

It will be nice to feel the freedom of the road and get away from the chaos that is my apartment, if only for a couple of days. Then it will be time to gear up for the next onslaught. I truly feel this short interlude is the "calm before the storm", but this one will be a welcome, cleansing storm of renewal and growth.

Modesty Rears Its  Ugly "Head" at the Home Show!!

I thought it was rather "cute" that this hardy fellow's "package" was not on view.

I'm sure my imagination was much better!!  This photo was taken with a 2.1 megapixel Argus camera I picked up earlier this year for less than one hundred dollars. It will do until I get a new one. It isn't the most reliable or easiest to use.

The Home and Garden show at the International Centre gave me lots of ideas......now, now,...behave yourselves!! It was very informative in a home show kind of way......!!

Unfortunately there was little in the way of furnace information and nothing on oil heating. One fellow told me for twenty five thousand dollars he could install a heat pump for me! I passed on that offer. Someone else suggested propane as the furnaces can easily be converted to gas at a later date, but that involves an outside oil tank which is probably harder to insure than the one that I have.

I restrained myself and didn't buy any bulbs or plants although there were many good deals. Lots of beautiful furniture and knick knacks on display. Beautiful kitchen and bathroom renovations that are well beyond my means.

I did pick up lots of flyers and a gardening catalogue. One item that seems to have possibilities for me are ceiling tiles and mouldings made of styrofoam. The little parlour in my house has a ceiling covered in what appear to be strips of wallpaper. (!!) I had no clue as to why they did that or how I was going to get rid of it. I think the path of least resistence would be to cover it with these styrofoam panels that you just glue to the ceiling and then finish it off with a nice foam moulding. Lighter than plaster and wood and easier to put up. You can even paint them.

A company in Missisauga has them, but I will look around town first. Probably a good form of insulation too.

RIP

My Kodak DC240 digital camera died yesterday at the lake. It was my first digital camera and my constant companion for many years. At 1.3 megapixels it wasn't the most powerful camera (although in it's day it was once top of the line), but we had a rapport that rendered many great pictures.

He did go out with a bang however! I was happily snapping a shot and pooof! snap! smell of something burning! It was my camera!!!!

Unfortunately, the shots I had taken did not make it either. Two in particular I was looking forward to. One can be repeated - a sign that says "ABSOLUTELY NO KITE FLYING"  and one that cannot - a shot of webbed duck tracks in pristine white snow. I thought the tracks would have made a great picture enlarged for my wall as I love ducks and the pattern on the snow looked like a monochromatic abstract. Sigh, next time, next winter.

Now when someone tells me to go fly a kite at least I will know where NOT to go!!     

Of all the things one cannot or should not do in a park it seems peculiar to single out kite flying! It seems innocuous enough a pasttime and doesn't appear to attract the wrong kind of crowd. What about a sign that says "no drug dealing"? Now that would be helpful.

Merry Browne
Preconceived notions are the locks on the door to wisdom.

Martha Washington
The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not our circumstances.

Ziggy
You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.

Unknown
That which happens in life is not as important as how you accept it.

I hadn't used any quotations for a while, so now I'm really going to town with them.

This afternoon before going to work I decided to seek some "inner peace". I headed to the lake which often draws me to it when I am in turmoil. Although it is March Break, the entire park was eerily deserted.

I veered away from the well traversed public paths and headed out into the "wilder" areas. The air was crisp, but not cold. My boots in turn did three things that I truly enjoy: squishing in mud, splashing in puddles and crunching fragile plates of ice that have water lurking just underneath them.

I realized as I walked that I was not going to find inner peace by going anyplace, not even to a place that I love. The only way to find it was within myself. Visiting the quiet wild places simply makes it easier to distance yourself from situations and think about them one by one.

My beloved ducks were nowhere to be seen. I suppose they were busy somewhere doing duck things. Seagulls and geese were however in abundance. Their honking and squawking and the crashing of the waves were the only sounds. That and the sound of my footsteps.

I thought about the house I have just bought and what a difficult endeavor it has been. The number of things I have had to learn about, the things I have taken chances on. My multi-tasking skills have truly been stretched to the limit these past few months and it isn't going to get any easier.

I thought about the past year and the many monumental life changes I have undergone. I thought about my fears. My fear of failure, my fear of making mistakes. I thought about how many decisions I have made and how despite all the caring, giving friends I have surrounding me, how alone I have often felt. How cold and afraid after each decision, like each one had left me out in the rain. How unsure I have felt, and still feel, yet I keep on going - keep moving forward, simply because there is no other place to go.

Like a rock that life keeps chipping away at, each decision alters the shape of my life. What will this sculpture of me look like when it is all done? I wonder.

I thought about my strength. A strength that I never knew I possessed, one that had never been put to the test until now. I thought about my weaknesses. Especially the most dangerous and insidious weakness - not trusting in my strength. Self doubt about the past and future that eat away at self confidence and make each decision harder and harder to make until you feel paralyzed, unable to act.

I thought about how tired I am. How bone - weary I feel both mentally and physically. How it doesn't matter, because I can't stop now. There is too much to do to acknowledge fatigue. I thought about how nice it would be to not have to think about anything for just a while. To not have a to-do list as long as my arm. To not have to remember 101 things and realize you just forgot 102.

I thought about how it wasn't going to be over once I moved. It was just beginning. The learning of how to manage a house by myself. Learning to live alone in a big house and not being afraid. Organizing the bills, the maintenance, the business of living. The repairs, the renovations. The commute that I keep telling myself will be fine. The job that drains both physically and mentally.

I thought about all these things and tried to take an honest look backward at the year gone past. What would I have changed? What should I have done differently? Not a great deal, and nothing of great importance.

If I had known that house could not be connected to gas, would I have bought it? Honestly? Probably not. I would not have got to the point of seriously considering it based on that shortcoming, therefore I wouldn't have bought it.

That being said, I truly believe in my heart that this was the right house for me. Despite it's obvious need for TLC, something in that house called to me. It isn't logical, it doesn't make sense. There were houses in much better shape that did not touch my soul. Perhaps the universe arranged it so that I wouldn't find out until it was too late to change my mind. Perhaps that was the only way to ensure that I would end up where I was meant to be. This is my spin on seeing the rose as opposed to the thorn!

I thought about the satisfaction that will come from creating a "home" basically from scratch with my own hands. I thought about the joy of working in my own garden and literally enjoying the "fruits" of my labour. I thought about the pleasure of living in a home that has been brought back to beauty through my own hard work and ingenuity. I thought about how much I have learned and will learn as I continue on this adventure. I thought about how I have been working hard all of my life and that it has prepared me well for the tasks that are to come in the future. No fear of scraping or scrubbing or digging here! No fear of dishpan hands and broken nails.

Did I find my "inner peace"? Perhaps, to some degree. For a person who craves tranquility I always seem to be in a moderate amount of spiritual turmoil. Maybe this is to ensure that I appreciate the calm, quiet moments. I feel less doubtful about the decisions I have made and more confident about the ones I am about to make. I have to learn to trust in the universe more, and even more importantly to trust in myself. I also have to learn to be a little easier on myself, to give myself permission to f*** up every once in a while.

Still, I am a work in progress, only just about half way there - so give me time and then see what happens in the next forty or so years!!

WANTED:  Have You Seen These Feelings Lately!!

Let's all try to find them and keep them close to our hearts.

With thanks to OnMyWay2Paradise for reminding me.