March 18, 2005
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Merry Browne
Preconceived notions are the locks on the door to wisdom.
Martha Washington
The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not our circumstances.
Ziggy
You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.
Unknown
That which happens in life is not as important as how you accept it.
I hadn't used any quotations for a while, so now I'm really going to town with them.
This afternoon before going to work I decided to seek some "inner peace". I headed to the lake which often draws me to it when I am in turmoil. Although it is March Break, the entire park was eerily deserted.
I veered away from the well traversed public paths and headed out into the "wilder" areas. The air was crisp, but not cold. My boots in turn did three things that I truly enjoy: squishing in mud, splashing in puddles and crunching fragile plates of ice that have water lurking just underneath them.
I realized as I walked that I was not going to find inner peace by going anyplace, not even to a place that I love. The only way to find it was within myself. Visiting the quiet wild places simply makes it easier to distance yourself from situations and think about them one by one.
My beloved ducks were nowhere to be seen. I suppose they were busy somewhere doing duck things. Seagulls and geese were however in abundance. Their honking and squawking and the crashing of the waves were the only sounds. That and the sound of my footsteps.
I thought about the house I have just bought and what a difficult endeavor it has been. The number of things I have had to learn about, the things I have taken chances on. My multi-tasking skills have truly been stretched to the limit these past few months and it isn't going to get any easier.
I thought about the past year and the many monumental life changes I have undergone. I thought about my fears. My fear of failure, my fear of making mistakes. I thought about how many decisions I have made and how despite all the caring, giving friends I have surrounding me, how alone I have often felt. How cold and afraid after each decision, like each one had left me out in the rain. How unsure I have felt, and still feel, yet I keep on going - keep moving forward, simply because there is no other place to go.
Like a rock that life keeps chipping away at, each decision alters the shape of my life. What will this sculpture of me look like when it is all done? I wonder.
I thought about my strength. A strength that I never knew I possessed, one that had never been put to the test until now. I thought about my weaknesses. Especially the most dangerous and insidious weakness - not trusting in my strength. Self doubt about the past and future that eat away at self confidence and make each decision harder and harder to make until you feel paralyzed, unable to act.
I thought about how tired I am. How bone - weary I feel both mentally and physically. How it doesn't matter, because I can't stop now. There is too much to do to acknowledge fatigue. I thought about how nice it would be to not have to think about anything for just a while. To not have a to-do list as long as my arm. To not have to remember 101 things and realize you just forgot 102.
I thought about how it wasn't going to be over once I moved. It was just beginning. The learning of how to manage a house by myself. Learning to live alone in a big house and not being afraid. Organizing the bills, the maintenance, the business of living. The repairs, the renovations. The commute that I keep telling myself will be fine. The job that drains both physically and mentally.
I thought about all these things and tried to take an honest look backward at the year gone past. What would I have changed? What should I have done differently? Not a great deal, and nothing of great importance.
If I had known that house could not be connected to gas, would I have bought it? Honestly? Probably not. I would not have got to the point of seriously considering it based on that shortcoming, therefore I wouldn't have bought it.
That being said, I truly believe in my heart that this was the right house for me. Despite it's obvious need for TLC, something in that house called to me. It isn't logical, it doesn't make sense. There were houses in much better shape that did not touch my soul. Perhaps the universe arranged it so that I wouldn't find out until it was too late to change my mind. Perhaps that was the only way to ensure that I would end up where I was meant to be. This is my spin on seeing the rose as opposed to the thorn!
I thought about the satisfaction that will come from creating a "home" basically from scratch with my own hands. I thought about the joy of working in my own garden and literally enjoying the "fruits" of my labour. I thought about the pleasure of living in a home that has been brought back to beauty through my own hard work and ingenuity. I thought about how much I have learned and will learn as I continue on this adventure. I thought about how I have been working hard all of my life and that it has prepared me well for the tasks that are to come in the future. No fear of scraping or scrubbing or digging here! No fear of dishpan hands and broken nails.
Did I find my "inner peace"? Perhaps, to some degree. For a person who craves tranquility I always seem to be in a moderate amount of spiritual turmoil. Maybe this is to ensure that I appreciate the calm, quiet moments. I feel less doubtful about the decisions I have made and more confident about the ones I am about to make. I have to learn to trust in the universe more, and even more importantly to trust in myself. I also have to learn to be a little easier on myself, to give myself permission to f*** up every once in a while.
Still, I am a work in progress, only just about half way there - so give me time and then see what happens in the next forty or so years!!
Comments (2)
We'll see if the holy water will help with the inner turmoil.
If it's from St. Theresa's it's got to be good!!
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