There is a very good reason that I am not a rocket scientist.........

To make my move smooth and simple I had the bright idea of purchasing uniformely sized boxes. What I hadn't considered is the fact that they have to be assembled! The picture above is actually one of the simpler ones. Once I figured it out (don't even ask how long it took me!) it was quite easy.  Another brand has a lid that stays attached and was created soley to annoy me. 

Something has happened to the pigeon nest. I went to look at it this morning and it wasn't there. The old hound spotted one of the eggs on the balcony near the edge. I haven't been out to look for the other one. I'm not sure what transpired, but I guess there will be no baby pigeons hatching any time soon.!

Big Blue is Sick and Thank God For CAA

Those who know me know I do not deal well with car problems.  Well today I had a doozy!! I was merrily driving along the 401 in the express lanes just approaching the Don Valley Parkway when I started losing power. I had noticed earlier that my gas gauge was reading full. I knew it wasn't full, but didn't think it was empty. Usually at 15 litres or less a big red sign comes on and an annoying bell rings. This hadn't happened.

I pulled over to the side and put on my flashers. My cel phone battery was low but luckily I had bought the old hound and myself car chargers at Christmastime. I called CAA and waited. Cars and trucks were whizzing by at alarming, bone shaking speeds. It was dark and cold and I felt mighty low. An odd point - the CAA operator asked me what kind of car I had and what year. I wondered why. I didn't think it was to help spot me. I'm the car pulled over in the express lanes with my flashers on. I'm the ONLY car pulled over in the express lanes with my flashers on.

I was very embarrassed to think that I had run out of gas! I am always very cautious and keep my car at least half full at all times.

When CAA arrived the gentleman put eight dollars worth of gas in my car and wisely suggested I try and start it while he was still there to make sure that was the problem. Sure enough, my car wouldn't start! I felt like a fool when he asked what side my battery was on. I hadn't the faintest idea! (it is on the right). He had pulled in behind me in a big truck so it was a stretch, but the cords just made it. After he attached them I tried to start Big Blue again. It started, but something was not right. Everything kept dimming and brightning. My gauges (they are all electronic) were still not reading right. The engine didn't sound like it usually did.

The CAA man suggested I go to the 24 hour Esso station on Lawrence, just east of the parkway. When I turned the engine off to gas up, I prayed it would start again. I am ashamed to admit (well, no I'm not ashamed at all!) that I don't usually put my gas in. I use a full service Esso, so it took me a while to figure out the whole procedure, including the fact that you have to pay in advance. I put twenty dollars worth in and then had to figure out where to go from there.

If I went home and parked in the garage I would be sunk if it wouldn't start. When I had my old sunbird and the clutch went, CAA couldn't fit their tow truck down into the underground. I got that car out just far enough by sheer force of will. I decided to drive it to my dealer and leave it there. I parked it, left a note on the dash saying I would call on Monday and called a cab. Twenty more dollars later I am home, safe and sound. Tired and weary, but okay. It could have been much, much worse.

I am not sure what is wrong with Big Blue, but I am very glad that I purchased the extended warrenty when I bought him. The expense of car repairs is not something I need right now. The timing of all this is not great however. I was supposed to go and get my taxes done tomorrow in Richmond Hill by a fellow recommended by Rhonda. (thanks for giving me his number!  ) I will call him tomorrow and arrange another time.

There is so much on my mind right now I feel like my head is going to explode. Literally explode. The chaos that once was my apartment surrounding me doesn't help. When I finally do get moved into this house I am going to need a good long vacation. Unfortunately I'm going to use all my vacation days getting moved!! C'est la vie!!

Keep The Channel Open !     

Last night at work was very unusual. For some reason there was an inordinate amount of........LAUGHTER! Now, we always laugh alot at work, but last night EVERYBODY was laughing, and laughing alot. Some people may not find that appropriate in our line of work, but I will tell you right now that it is absolutely vital. A sense of humour (albeit a twisted one) is the one thing that will keep you from burning out.

The odd thing about last night was that everything seemed funny, to staff and to the patients. Not just little tee hee's or giggles, I'm talking deep, tear inducing belly laughs. Of course there were still the same spats and bouts of aggression, but a thread or vein of humour ran through the whole shift.

I don't think it was my mood, I wasn't all that cheerful when I arrived. Each staff member I  was working with (including myself!) is going through some personal difficulties. Each patient is coping with a cruel disease of the mind. Something in the environment just seemed conducive to laughter. If you are open to these subtle changes in the "ether" and can flow with them I believe that great things can happen.

Having been home for the past two days, I found my mood lifted remarkably as the evening went on. The work wasn't any easier, the patients weren't any more cooperative but the change was palpable. If we could only capture that fleeting essence of carefree fun, bottle it up and use it when we most needed it.....or maybe we don't have to.....maybe it is always there just waiting for us to tap into it. Maybe it is just waiting for us to open up to the world around us instead of internalizing and withdrawing when we become scared or confused.

Martha Graham writes:

"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action. And because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.....whether you choose to take an art class, keep a journal, record your dreams, dance your story or live each day from your own creative source. Above all else, keep the channel open!"

So my friends, lets try to keep the channel open and see what magic transpires in our lives!

Amateurs and Coincidences

I am always intrigued by those little "coincidences" in life. You know, when you are reading an odd word and then someone speaks the exact same word. When you have been thinking about someone you hadn't heard from in a long time and, voila, they call you.

I went to the library just before my shift to pick up a book I had placed on hold. (I am extremely lucky that I work in a hospital that has a public library branch within it.) The librarian plucked my book from the shelf behind him and of course while he was doing the paperwork he looked at the title. It was "Right to Write" by Julia Cameron. He asked if I wanted to "become" a writer. This flustered me a tidge and I replied that I already write quite alot. He then said he mean't was I a professional or an amateur. I smiled at him and said "strictly amateur...so far". He asked if I had ever heard of Stephen King. (!!who hasn't??) and told me that he had written a book on how to write. I thanked him and went on my way. Then came the coincidences.

On my break I picked up "Right to Write" and began to read. (I guess we all have the right to read too  ). In the first few pages she addressed two of the librarians remarks. I'll give you a hint as to which ones - so far in the book I haven't seen her mention Stephen King!

Julia Cameron states that the word amateur comes from the Latin verb amare which means "to love". Therefore to be an amateur at something means to do something you love. In that case I am proud to be "an amateur" at a lot of enterprises that I undertake!

She also discusses the fact that too many people get caught up in the idea of becoming a writer. They get so caught up in it that they never write! They are waiting for the right time, which of course conveniently never comes. That people don't think of themselves as "writers" unless they are famous and or published. She believes you don't become a writer, you just write. That is what I said to the librarian. I write all the time, that makes me a writer.

As for Stephen King? I used to devour his books when I was younger. I found them wonderfully easy to read. That is not a put down. For me, some author's words jump and dance off the page teasing and cajoling me on to the finish. I feel a sadness when I finally turn the last page. Other authors words seem slow and plodding. They appeared to be mired in quicksand. I can see the final destination, but to get there is difficult and tedious. At the end of those books I feel....relief! (I do admit to sometimes cheating and reading the last page of some of those kind of books!) I'm not exactly sure why I stopped reading Stephen King, but would certainly be interested in taking a look at a book written by him on the art of writing. I think next time I am in the library I will ask the librarian to please put it on hold for this amateur writer!!

I am a little concerned about my little pigeon "egglings". There has been so much snow and it has been so cold lately. The eggs are still there, and the mother (I'm assuming it's the mother, a bit sexist of me!) is still sitting on them, so I guess that is a good sign. I read on the internet someplace that it takes 40 days for them to hatch. The old hound is of the opinion that the eggs are frozen by now. I hope not. I admittedly don't like pigeons very much, especially the ones that ruin my balcony and my outdoor furniture, but I hate to think of that mother pigeon sitting on her eggs waiting in vain for them to hatch. Hopefully soon I will peek in and see two ugly little hatchlings.

This, by the way, is one of the pictures that come up if you google miss lill under the "images" tab. Rather ironic n'est pas?

   Ahhhh, the Sweet Smell of......Rejection!

In keeping with the "theme" of this blog it is only fitting that I share all aspects of my adventures in writing, both positive and negative.

Dear ********,

I would like to thank you for participating in the 2004 CBC Literary
Awards competition.  We receive a huge number of submissions every year
and unfortunately we are only able to choose two winning texts in each
category.

You can find information about this year's winners on our website at
www.cbc.ca/literaryawards. The winning texts will be broadcast on CBC's
Between the Covers from April 4th - April 8th and published in enRoute
magazine. Copies of the magazine can be obtained directly from enRoute
by calling 514.844.2001.

The CBC Literary Awards Gala, hosted by CBC's Brent Bambury and
Radio-Canada's Johane Despins, will be broadcast in English on CBC Radio One
on March 10th at
10 pm. The Gala features music by world-renowned jazz pianist Oliver
Jones and performances by actress Dorothée Berryman interpreting excerpts
of the winning texts.

The CBC Literary Awards is an annual event and we would like to
encourage you to enter the 2005 competition.  Keep your eye on our website for
further information.


Sincerely,

Maria Turner
Awards Administrator
CBC Literary Awards

Am I disappointed? Yes,  I admit I would have just loved to win. Who wouldn't? Am I discouraged - no.

 I write to.....write. I love words and I love poetry - both my own and other people's.  For many years nobody read my work, nobody even knew I wrote. The fact that I even dare show my work to others is a big step for me. Whether or not people like or understand my poetry has no bearing at all on whether or not I write it. Whether or not people even read my poetry has no bearing on whether or not I write it.

Poetry comes from deep inside your heart. Sometimes it is serious, sometimes comical and whimsical, but always intensely personal. To write satisfies a creative drive, a need to express how I interpret my world. To have an audience for that expression would be wonderful, but for me is not a necessity. I don't judge my talent or success on public acceptance. Of course I have no objections whatsoever to becoming a million dollar best selling author in the future!!   (and you can quote me on that!)

Solving this jigsaw puzzle and posting about this sweepstakes for Big Red makes me eligible for free Xanga Premium for life...  

misslill stoops to shameless commercialism!

The point of life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely, with a well preserved body, but to rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, "Holy sh*t, what a ride!

Unknown   

I get the distinct feeling that this is precisely the phase of life that I am entering right now!

For the second time (and hopefully the last) in one year, I began the daunting, emotionally draining task of packing my life away into cardboard boxes.

All my memories, some old, some new, all cherished – all carefully wrapped in tissue paper and bubble wrap . All sealed away to be opened in my new home as part of my new life.

I am at once excited and petrified. I want to stand up and shout at the world "Hey! I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what I’m doing!… I don’t know what I’ve done." Another part wants to shout "Hey! Watch me, just watch me now and see what I can do!"

I have less than 6 weeks to get everything in place. Today I packed 15 boxes! Granted they are small, but it was still an enormous amount of work. I learned from last years experience and have vowed to use only small boxes. That way no matter how much I put in them they can only get so heavy. (There is probably a philosophical allegory in there someplace! ) Last year after moving I had a long and painful bout of tendonitis from over exertion. I was also worn to a frazzle. Of course the circumstances were very different, but in a way this move is just as stressful for me. Maybe even more so.

Back then I was escaping from a bad situation. That took up most of my thoughts. Basically I had no choice. This time I have a choice. I’m not running away from something, I’m running towards it. It’s just that I’m not quite sure what it is I’m running towards.

It isn’t only the move, it is all the other parts of life that keep buzzing around in my ear like mosquitoes demanding attention. Tax return, car license renewal. Call the gas, electric, water, phone, cable companies. Don’t forget to do a change of address. Call the property tax office. Pick up more paper and boxes. Go to work five days a week, eight hours a day. Sometimes I feel like I am chasing my tail and getting no place fast! On the upside, it is going to be very different. I am always open to new challenges and learning new things, and I have a feeling I am going to be learning a whole lot!!

Buying an old house that needs work, especially a haunted one was probably not the most practical thing I have ever done, but I would bet any money it is going to be the most exciting and the most interesting - in other words A Wild Ride!