June 29, 2005
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Well, by golly, by the time my life is over I intend to be one hell of a huge, shiny hunk of bling bling!!
I like to believe that all things happen for a reason and that you should always try to find something positive out of even the most negative of situations. That being said I am also very human and got up feeling rather blah and sorry for myself. (poor little me etc.) It is hotter than hades here, my house plants are all in various stages of demise my grass is a peculiar crusty brown that crackles underfoot and my motivation to get up off of my ass and do something is about nil. (you get the idea).
I kept going over and over in my head last night - what if I had done this, what if I had done that etc. All exercises in futility but my mind often refuses to shut itself off and listen to reason.
I then started to look for the positive. So then I started to look a little deeper and harder for the positive.
Digging even deeper........well, there it was all the time really.
I have always been rather paranoid about money. I don't particularly covet gargantuan amounts, I don't really care for alot of fancy-dancy exotic stuff (although I do like nice things) , I'm not into conspicuous consumption in a Puff Diddy, Oprah kind of way. I do however fear poverty. I guess when you have grown up without alot and struggled in your life that kind of fear gets ingrained into your psyche. For that reason I always need for my peace of mind a "cushion" or "safety net". I always need to have more than I need. I had been sitting on just such a cushion. Maybe this is the universe's way of forcing me to let go. Making me trust in myself and a higher power more. Shedding my old insecurities and fears. (Maybe not, maybe just thinking about it that way makes me feel better!) Without that little extra cushion I will have to budget, not just go out and get something because I need it or want it. I will have to put more thought into my decisions and actions.
It also made me realize how fortunate I am to be in a position where I can choose not to go through my insurance and absorb this myself. (Never mind the fact that I could buy another car with the cost of the repairs
) I have so much to be thankful for in this life, so much more than I had ever dreamed of. Not just in material wealth but in happiness and joy.
Another much more worthwhile and positive outcome has also come out of this accident. The morning I brought my car down to Toronto I had about six hours to kill before work. I had been up early to drive in through the rush hour traffic to drop it off and arrange for alternate transportation. I was tired from being up early and from not sleeping well the night before. I did what comes naturally - I called my mother.
I went over to my parents place and for the first time in many years we actually talked. Not social fluff chatter, but talked. We spoke openly and frankly about my marriage and my divorce and some of the bad stuff that happened in between. We talked about my present and future plans. We talked about how they felt about it all.
For the first time ever, my parents told me they were proud of me. They said it had taken "guts" to leave a marriage where all material needs were met and to stand up to and say no to a life of abuse. They said it took courage to stand on my own and do what I am doing with both the house and my life. And about the car? They said "It's an accident, they happen. In a week your car will be back good as new. In a few months it will be all paid for. It's just a car. At least you weren't hurt."
That meant alot to me. No remarks of how could you be so dumb-careless-etc. (I had said that to myself enough already). No remarks of we told you something like this would happen. Just plain old emotional support. I am 42 years old and it still means so much to hear those kind of words from my parents.
So, if it took losing the back end of a Cadillac Sedan Deville to hear those words.....all I can say is it was worth it!!
Comments (4)
That does my 'old' heart good!! I am so happy for you. You are right, no matter how old you are, you still want your parents approval, support and love.
Now, RYC....I totally agree with you about small, old, chapels, buildings where you feel the 'spirit', so to speak. Where you automatically whisper when you enter. I used to go to church, Catholic, and loved the smells, colors and serenity of the old churches and cathedrals in Europe. Then life happened, I had some issues with myself and 'organized religion', so I stopped going. But I still feel connected; I know I try and be the best person I can be, not perfect, but honest, loving, caring and just 'good'. You know what I mean? Kinda feel like I am babbling...hehe! Anyway, thanks for the feed-back and have an awesome evening.
Hug, L.
Wow! Seems like perseverance with your parents paid off! I'm so happy for you! And you're right - if the accident hadn't happened, you wouldn't have felt compelled to call your parents, etc. What a wonderful step forward - CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Ditto on the money insecurity and the family emotional support. I'm glad to see all is falling gently into place and in all of the right places for you.
It's a step in the right direction, at least we are communicating. There will always be alot of issues but sometimes you have to just let it go and put it all aside. It just isn't worth the angst. Holding onto a principle even if you are in the right doesn't always work to your or anyone elses advantage.
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