I had an epiphany of sorts today while out and about getting groceries. There I was on the 401, the sun was shining, the road clear. My (slightly battered and very dirty) blue baby traveling nice and smooth. A bouquet of yellow flowers I treated myself to on the seat next to me. A bottle of diet Dr.Pepper in the coffee holder. (I was radical and moved away from diet coke, this is the new rebel-me!  ) The Beatles in my CD player. I am singing Hey Jude at the top of my lungs in that out of tune voice that my friends know so well. All of a sudden I knew I was going to be okay. Everything was going to be fine. Not perfect or idyllic, but fine.

Last night I had a comfy cosy evening with frozen pizza, red wine and one of my favourite westerns "The Magnificent Seven". Pure relaxation. I like westerns because they break life down into its simplest terms. Good vs. evil, right vs. wrong. You know who the good guys are and you know who the bad guys are. You know that it is more important to do the right thing than to be a coward.

Tonight the old hound is paying a visit. I opted for an easier recipe and will try the yogurt chicken another time. He will be in for a big suprise when he sees me! No more blonde! (for now anyway). I decided to Live Loud and change my whole look. It is interesting how a change like that can change your mood and your outlook. This is a little extreme, I admit, but it is fun. I used to colour my hair alot when I was single, changing it according to my moods. This is my rebel mode: Rebel Red!! I feel a bit like a duracell battery: just call me the copper top!

People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering. - St. Augustine

When I stop and think about the potential we have and our resiliance it does boggle my mind. It is easy to take all that we are for granted, especially when everything is going smoothly. We can learn and build and create, and unfortunately we can also hurt and destroy. Our ability to continually renew and reinvent ourselves is amazing and our ability to overcome hardship and persevere is wonderful. We truly are amazing creatures.

The topic of reinventing onesself came up lately. The question was, is it necessary to erase your past in order to reinvent yourself? I don't think it is necessary, but in some cases it can be desirable. You can change your ways, eliminate bad habits, learn new skills, develop new talents, but if a destructive past encroaches on this new foundation it could erode any new growth. Painful memories can spark fears that can immobilize growth and refuse to allow love and trust into one's life. Continuing to delve into and relive a painful past can get you stuck in the mire of memories, unable to move forward to create new ones.

As you tentatively try out your new wings of confidence and independance it really doesn't take much to send you scurrying back from whence you came. Each step, each realized goal takes you further from who you were and closer to who you are becoming. (The problem is that in the meantime you sometimes don't quite know who you are! )

In the course of a "normal" life, the past is a firm foundation on which you can grow and evolve. You can embrace who you were as you become who you are. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. Each person deals with their "demons" in different ways. Some try to bury them, some court them, some face them and discard them. Whatever works for the individual and keeps them healthy is the right choice.

For myself, I believe I do a little of all of them. There are certainly parts of my past that I have discarded. I am no longer victimized, have gained independence and  strength that I didn't know I possessed. I kept the part of me that I value, the core of my creative soul that remains ever hopeful and naive. Unfortunately there are also the buried parts of the past that loom up at unexpected times in unexpected ways. Night terrors, sleepwalking, irrational fears. One day I hope to be able to unearth those memories and fling them aside once and for all. One day when enough time has passed to make them less painful and less traumatic to think about I will do that. Then I will consider myself truly "reinvented".

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius BC 551-479

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

I have changed alot over the last year. Because of this I feel in some ways that I no longer know who I am. Right now I have alot of emotions and thoughts going through my mind. Anger, fear, excitement, happiness, anticipation all jumbled up.

I don't know how to sort them all out. I suppose they will sort themselves out in their own time. All of the choices I have made, all the decisions - for the first time in many, many years - have been made alone. No one to depend on to look after things, no safety net to catch me if I fall. Now, soon,  all these choices and decisions will be coming to fruition and we will see how I did. It is a frightening time for me.

Not having a mother to turn to at this time has been difficult. I haven't heard from her since I went to see her for her birthday. I now believe that she will never contact me, any communication will have to come from my side of the fence. A mother/daughter relationship is different to any other in my opinion. You expect acceptance and unconditional love. You expect that bond to be unbreakable, until it becomes broken.

In my quest for reawakening I am gradually emerging from my self imposed exile. Saturday afternoon I am getting my hair cut and coloured. Perhaps something tres exotic! I have been watching far too many serious movies lately and becoming a real couch potato. Angela's Ashes, Howard's End, Femme Fatale, Cold Mountain, Mulholland Drive. Time for some lighter fare. Sheila has kindly lent me the Matrix and I picked up ED TV from Wal Mart.  I am going to stretch my culinary muscles this weekend with some recipes given to me by Yvonne, Yogurt Chicken and Home Made Perogies. I will experiment on the old hound who claims to like anything. We shall see......

I also picked up all the new Sears catalogues. I believe that catalogues are great therapy. They let you plan and dream and don't cost a penny. When the weather is nicer I want to start roaming the aisles of Home Depot and Rona Hardware for ideas for my new home. Lightswitch plates, door knobs, light fixtures.....I can't wait!! All my second hand stores and usual haunts will be waiting for me too. Poor Winners and Home Sense, there share prices must have plummeted this last month since I didn't set foot in either one!

It is time for me to get moving and get more active physically. I hereby resolve to do my yoga at least twice a week and go for a walk at least twice a week. My diet lately has been very unhealthy (for me). Usually an organic, natural food person I have lately been taking the easy way out and been eating prepared, additive filled junk. It isn't good for my body, my stomach or my mind. A little junk food is a good thing, a steady diet of it is not. I can feel the excess weight and I don't like it. It has to go. Luckily for me it doesn't take long. All I really have to do is stop eating bread and rice for a week. It's just that all the easy, cheap, convenient foods are the high carb unhealthy ones.  No more laziness! Back to my kitchen and my old habits!

 

 

So much for my new found state of passion with reason! I obviously still have a ways to go as you will see.

I was up early for my 9am appointment with my lawyer and soon to be ex-husband. This is not a good time when you work permenant evening shifts and both your body and mind are used to going to bed late and getting up even later. My alarm went off and despite my complete and utter disbelief it was in fact 7am. I managed to drag myself out of bed and got ready to go. Waited an inordinate amount of time for an elevator (I will not miss that joy in a few months), gave up and took the stairs. Traffic and roads were terrible from the snow that fell last night.

Now being misslill kicks in. I am neurotically punctual. I hate more than anything to be late, so I always give myself plenty of time. I foolishly headed to the office building using a different route than my previous visit. Big mistake! Have you ever noticed how with today’s architecture all these buildings look the same? And how they build them all alongside one another? I parked by the building I thought was mine and went inside. It didn’t look quite like I remembered it. I looked at the directory and with a suddenly dawning sense of horror realized I didn’t know the office number. I couldn’t even remember the name of the firm! I felt at that moment such a rising sense of frustration and desperation and panic that I just wanted to sit down in the middle of that lobby and cry. But I didn’t.

I trudged off in the snow and wind to the next office building, cursing my unique ability to be totally unprepared. Who else would leave their home with no address, name….anything! Of course it was stress and fatigue kicking in and making me forget the vital details I had previously known, but knowing that didn’t make it any easier.

On my third building the lobby looked more familiar and there was a mediator/law office name that sounded right. I hopped on the elevator, got off on the fourth floor and realized I had forgotten the number again! I wandered around and finally found it, but the door was locked. I was 90% sure I was at the right place, that 10% of doubt was still stressing me out. I had the bright idea of checking my email with my cel phone, knowing I had saved the letter with the address etc. As I was doing so, my lawyer came off the elevator. Late as I was, everyone else was even later. Of course I didn’t mention my little "adventure".

My "ex" arrived soon after and we went into the office to continue. The separation agreement was drawn up in its final form. As we read through it for the last time everything felt very unreal, almost as if I were in a movie. I hate having to concentrate when I am tired. I felt detached from the whole situation. I could hear very plainly the people in the next office talking. My lawyer was prattling on about the thin walls in her condo and how 20 out of 35 units were tenanted by gays. My ex was oozing his usual charm and good humor that he reserves for strangers. He was also picking out typo’s and questioning tiny details. Corrections to be made - our ages wrong, copies to intial. In that moment, I looked at him and felt a pure white hot hatred. I truly felt like I wanted to scream.

Letters were given to me, explaining to the bank where my money was coming from. The divorce papers were signed, but still needed to be notarized. We trudged off to a lawyer across the way to have that done. Ten dollars each signature. The settlement cheque was photocopied and handed over to me as I signed the papers relinquishing all claim to the house I had lived in for the last 15 years. The lawyer and my ex joked about the quality of ink on the photocopier and I just thought about the absurdity of the situation.

How odd to have a price put on time. Time and emotion and broken dreams and broken hearts, all with a price tag attached. I thought back to the time when I had signed my marriage certificate. What plans I had! What hopes and dreams! Which one of us could ever look ahead and guess where we would be, financially or emotionally in the distant future. It felt strange having a relationship, even a failed one broken down into dollars and cents. I started to feel angry. What about all my pain? All my tears? All the upheaval? All my despair? What about all the promises to love and honour? Where is the payment for that? Then I just felt empty. What was the point? It was all over a long, long time ago and I am just too tired to fight any more. I put the cheque in my purse and just wanted to go home. He won, if it was ever a contest or game,  but I don’t care, it’s over. It’s finally over.

Thank you to T. for the absolutely perfect gift of the set of  Dr. Seuss coffee mugs!    I have always loved Dr. Seuss's whimsical world. They do nourish my inner child just as you were hoping and couldn't have come at a better time. Just looking at them makes me smile! Of course I am a firm believer that the cup you drink from has a direct effect on the taste of the beverage. We all need a bit more Seuss in our lives. I will serve my first pot of coffee in my new home using them with great pride and honour!

 

 

Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.

If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.

For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing;

And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.

Khalil Gibran

Certain threads seem to run through the fabric that makes up the tapestry of my life. Lately it seems to be "birds and boats" .

Balance in all things is generally what I strive for, but lately have not been acheiving my goal. Passion without reason, reason without passion are useless and meaningless. My boat has been floundering, but I think I have found the direction needed to put it back on track.

I try, by my own choice, to live my life by certain standards, by a "moral" code of honour. I don't claim to be perfect, I can be very impatient and can at times be a perfect whiner and grouch, but I do try. Lately I have been feeling dissatisfied by things around me. I have "moaned" about them, and felt self rightous and indignant. "Why are these things happening to me?, I try to be a good person".

At times it doesn't seem fair when things happen and they accumulate one after another.In feeling disheartened I have both physically and mentally let things slide. My mind is cluttered an uncreative, my apartment untidy. Part of it is knowing that I won't be staying there and will soon be packing, but in all honesty there is the other side to my laxity. A part of me started to give up. I got tired and simply didn't want to bother anymore. I lost my passion and felt I had no reason to keep fighting. 

Why should "I" get a ticket, crash my car, have no heat etc. etc. Well, why not?? This is life, and things happen in life. I am not immune to disaster, nobody is.  What I do need to do is control my reaction to it. Letting problems mount on top of each other until they become piled so high that I can't see beyond them is not healthy. My passion, tempered with reason can carry me through anything. One without the other will not.

The problems big and small remain. How, when and where to store my belongings as January 31st draws closer. Repairing my car (x2! ). Paying a ticket. Organizing my slightly mixed up, disorganized life.Getting divorced. Getting ready to move.  How I approach them is going to change. Overnight? Probably not. But I am going to try. One thing at a time, prioritized and with passion and reason. The list will rise and fall with time, but hopefully always stay manageable. Truly I am blessed in so many ways, I have no right to complain! Balance, passion and reason - and smoother sailing for the future.

It's another cold one! I have bought another heater so I now have three portable heaters going in here. They do help a little. Good thing I don't pay for my electricity!

Lots of drama yesterday. The roads were terrible. I actually spun out on the 401 but managed to keep a modicum of control and miss the guardrail. Nobody was around, it was on a lonely stretch and the only damage was a shakey misslill and a crack on the plastic of my front bumper where I stopped in the snow. Very, very lucky. My guardian angel was watching over me for sure! My poor car looks very pathetic all dirty and with two dings on it. I will get them both fixed at the same time after next week. Then my blue baby will be back on track.

Another annoyance, a ticket in the mail with a photograph claiming I ran a red light. (I did not). I will fight it as I remember clearly what happened. It was New Years day and the lights weren't working, just flashing, making it a four way stop. The printout says the light had already been red for 144 seconds (which is more than two minutes!), when I apparantly stopped, waited 15.4 seconds and then proceeded to drive through the still red light! You would think whoever issues these things would read them and see how silly that premise is. It is an annoyance to have to go fight this thing, but the charge is 190 dollars! Plus I am innocent.

Funny how there is always something to have to deal with. I suppose "that's life". Despite these two glitches and the fact that I am freezing, I feel fairly happy and optimistic. I am looking forward to finally having my separation/divorce settled this week. It has been a stress and I will be relieved to not have to deal with it any more. I am looking forward to moving into my new home this spring! Although it will be alot of work it will be worth it. I want to get some boxes when it warms up a bit and start packing things away. I am also going to move the things from the old house and store them here in my apartment. It will be a bit jumbled for a while, but then it means only one more move and the professionals can take care of that one.

Chaos surrounds me, and I struggle to remain serene! I think it is time for some spring!

 

 

How long can this cold last?? I guess I shouldn't ask. It is minus 20 outside and not much warmer in my apartment. That means I am awake early again after working late, grrrr!

I won't be staying home because it is just too darn cold in here. Picture the poor writer typing away with blue fingers. Sounds like something from Charles Dickens.

On the writing front I am still awaiting the results of the Bliss Carman poetry award and the CBC Literary Awards. I am optimistic and hopeful and will remain so until they announce the winners.

Yesterday I entered the rhyming poetry contest of the Canadian Federation of Poets. They are a great organization and anyone (you don't have to be Canadian) interested in joining or checking them out should check out their link at  www.federationofpoets.com  .

They have contests, publish anthologies and have a print magazine, Poetry Canada. I am all for any group that supports a)Canadians and b)poetry.

My output is down right now. It is hard to feel inspired when you are frozen. All my plants are dying from the lack of heat in this place. I did write about five fragments of things this week that may or may not turn into something. I wrote a poem for OnMyWay2Paradise that was a personal gift. She had given me, in reading her blog, a line that captured my imagination and I wanted to do something with it.

Now I am going to brave the cold outside and go find a warm coffee shop to while away some time. I alway bring my pen and paper because you never know when inspiration will strike!

gloved misslill with a Harris Hawk at the Falconry Centre, Tottenham

I have always had a strong affinity with nature. Being in the city surrounded by noise and concrete stifles my soul and dulls my senses. I need to have space around me, to be able to commune with mother earth and the creatures that inhabit her.

At this time of year I start to yearn for the warmth of the sun and the sounds of nature. I wait for Spring and for the reawakening of life. Of course now there are still the poor hungry ducks to feed at Bluffer's Park and my chickadees are eager for seeds and as easily hand fed as ever at Lynde Shores. Hiking in the cold and snow are not my favourite pastimes, so I limit my forays to those two places until spring.

Come spring I seek out the still hidden, untrodden places that are becoming harder and harder to find. The smell of the woods, the crackle of the underbrush, the gurgling of a creek - nothing can compare to that. The magic of coming across a deer in the woods; that moment when your eyes meet and lock together in a split second of understanding and then with a lightning quick turn, she's gone. The cheeky chipmonks that clamber up your leg for a treat, the harsh squawk of the blue jay as they swoop for a peanut. The hesitant squirrel that finally lets greed overcome fear (what a human trait!) and takes the nut from your hand. The majestic sight of a proud hawk or eagle staring down at you from their lofty perch. There is so much magic and beauty in this world that it sometimes overcomes me.

All the fears and worries in life disappear when I am in nature, away from the man made world. I feel at peace, completely serene when I  manage to "get away" from it all. I enjoy the same atmosphere of peace when I am working in the garden. Tending, planting, dreaming, hands in the soil just marvelling at the miracle of creation. We are blessed to have this miracle at our fingertips and I always feel honoured to have the knowledge and ability to work with the land.

In my previous garden I never used chemicals. My philosophy was to control pests by proper planting. I also believed that there was enough for everyone to share. Racoons, rabbits, they were there first so who was I to shoo them away. The funny thing was my garden always flourished. Lush abundance was my style. Roses climbed among valerian around cucumbers and myrtle. Herbs surrounded berries and all grew in harmony.

In my new garden I pray for the same kind of peace and harmony. It is hard to start all over from scratch, but the previous owners have left me with a good starting point of fruit trees, something I have no experience with but am eager to learn about. As my excitement grows I dream of plucking a pear from my tree and grapes from my vines and admiring the "fruits" of my labour!

I am including a poem by Edna Jaques, an often overlooked Canadian poet . Certainly not modern and angst filled, her work has an honest simplicity that appeals to me. If you like it, I suggest you seek her out, she has quite a few volumes of published work from the 1940’s.

Green Fingers

She has green fingers – so the saying goes

If she just touches anything it grows

Responsive to her hands, as if indeed,

Her heart was tuned to answer bulb or seed

The life that beats in every potted thing

Like rising sap answering to the spring.

She has green fingers – every herb and root

She seems to take life from her, a tiny shoot

Will put out little folded leaves and grow;

Her flower beds are a perpetual show;

The fence seems to enclose a magic yard,

Where Peace and Beauty ever stand on guard.

A bed of pansies just inside the gate

Are like a row of faces set to wait

The passing of a Queen in royal dress;

The roses blush at their own loveliness,

While she – beyond the borders of the lawn,

Kneels on the ground to coax a seedling on.

She has green fingers – so the neighbours say

Who come with paper bags and cart away

Cuttings and slips and little rooted trees.

They claim a special magic comes with these.

As if she touched each petal tightly curled,

And bade them multiply and bless the world.

 

"You see things and say 'Why?' ; but I dream things that never were and I say 'Why not?'"      -    George Bernard Shaw

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. "  -  Mark Twain

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot

Wow, three quotes. They are multiplying!! I have been feeling a certain restlessness, and helplessness,  a dissatisfaction lately. That is not to say I have been unhappy, I am actually very happy. I just feel .....  stalled. This impatient aries wants it all and she wants it now!

There are so many things that I want to do that have to wait. I am looking forward to the coming year with such a feeling of anticipation and excitement (and yes, fear).

Another quote! " If you don't risk anything, you risk even more" (Erica Jong). That one is posted right beside me on our bulletin board. It seems appropriate for my situation.

I have been through some interesting times this year and during this January cold snap my enforced hibernation has made me feel introspective. Over the course of this year I have discovered my hidden strengths (and weaknesses). I have learned and laughed and prevailed. I think I am a very different person from the scared little mouse that embarked on this journey almost one year ago. I think I am different, yet in some ways I am not. I still have fears and insecurities. I still have deep wounds and scars. I am reminded of this at the oddest times. When I am feeling confident and strong I suddenly wobble and falter. I saw on another blog a line that said it well - "I am stumbling but not crumbling."

I have learned alot about myself and about life in general. I have learned more about my needs and desires than I had in my previous 40 odd years of life.  In some ways this has been a "selfish" year. A year where I have put myself first....it has all been "about me". Learning about who I am and what I want.

In a week I will have my official separation completed. I will shortly be able to file for divorce. Within a few months I will again be a single woman, something I have not been since my twenties. The pain and bad memories begin to fade. More new beginnings. Excitement tinged with sadness, but not regret.

Now I am ready to take on some of the biggest responsibilities of my life. Some of the greatest risks. All of them are by choice and I look forward to them with anticipation. It is almost as if this year were a "practice run". That I have been in a kind of "limbo" just waiting for this time.

That is why it is so hard now to wait! Just a few more months (3) in a temporary home. I want to press forward now, while I have the confidence and the energy. I want to put all my plans into motion, not sit on the sidelines and wait.

I have been lucky in so many ways. Along the way this year I met a very special man. His kindness and gentleness came into my life when I most needed it. He renewed my belief in my ability to love and be loved. His faith in me and my ability to succeed gives me the strength to keep going when times are tough. His willingness to let me find my own way and walk my own path while still standing close by boosts my confidence. His humour brightens my days and washes away my tears. His talent quite simply takes my breath away.  I don't mention him often because I know he values his privacy, but he does deserve an enormous thank you. I thank you "old hound" with all of my heart!

The monumental task (and I don't think I am exaggerating!) of  renovating my house will soon begin. I will have so much to learn, and I will stumble on the way, but it will be the experience of a lifetime. I have never been afraid of hard work. Hopefully I will be able to approach each task with joy and love and rise to the challenge.

I have dreams that years ago I never would have dared imagine, yet I can now envision those dreams coming true. They seem possible and within reach. I want to do things and try things, I want to be more than I ever have been before. I want to look back twenty years from now and smile and say WOW! .......but.......

Right now, its cold and snowy. I don't want to stir from my apartment unless I have to. This is my least active time of year. I put off and procrastinate and long for spring. I can't get into my house, can't measure and maneuvre. I can't pack my things away because it's too early. I don't want to start any new projects because I'll be moving, so I plan, plan, plan! I plan and dream and feel.....   Restless, restless, restless!