"It is the writer's role not to say what we can all say, but what we have been unable to say." --Anais Nin

Anais Nin was certainly a lady who was ahead of her time. She lived "out loud" in a time when it was not considered the thing for a woman to do.

She has another quote which I am unable to find this morning so with apologies I will paraphrase:

One can only break free of the chrysalis when it becomes more painful to stay inside than it is to break free.

A friend of mine is terribly worried about her teenage daughter who is in a verbally/physically abusive relationship. She asked me why women stay so long – why don’t they leave?

The seagulls were also out in full force today. Usually I refuse to feed them, but today I relented and they rewarded me with some great photos, one of which I am posting here. The sight of a bird being lifted by the wind sends my spirits soaring!

You've heard of a "gaggle of geese" ....now see a:

Kaleidoscope Of  Ducks!

Today, like many of my days lately, had a kind of bittersweet quality. The morning was spent going over my separation/divorce agreement. It meant going over to my old home and meeting with my soon to be ex husband. I find it difficult, and emotionally draining to keep returning to a place with so many memories - some happy, but some terrifying and horrible. In some ways time has dulled the pain,giving the visits an almost surreal quality,  but I still find myself having what I guess are referred to as "flashbacks" at the oddest times. I could be waiting at a red light or just going about my business and wham! Of course I still have trouble sleeping and a problem with night terrors and sleepwalking. It is getting better, but I long for and treasure a truly good nights sleep.

When I feel a little melancholy the best cure I know is to head to the lake and feed the ducks. As you can see by the photo above, they were out in full force! I love all birds (yes, even pigeons that poop on my balcony!), all animals, but out of all creatures I find ducks to be particularly soothing. They are loud, gregarious, comical and friendly. They are not easily offended and always appreciate any bread crusts you have to offer. Just looking at them lifts my spirits, and it did the trick today.  

I then met up with my old friend Audrey. I have known her for over twenty years. Between us we could probably write at least ten novels with the drama of our lives! She is a strong woman who has overcome many hardships and still manages to keep a sense of humour. I won't discuss her life struggles as it would compromise her privacy, but I admire her ability to cope with life and everything it manages to throw at us. We go through periods where we are in constant contact, and then lose touch as circumstances change. The funny thing is, no matter how long we have been apart, as soon as we talk we pick the threads of life right up and carry on. This woman knows things about my life and marriage that only one other person does - my therapist. I would trust her with my life. She is one person who can tell it like it is and will not hesitate to do so.

 There are so few people like this in the world that I feel particularly blessed, because I have so many in my life. It is easy to be a friend and have friends when times are easy. The people who hang around when everything falls apart are priceless treasures, and in this respect I am truly rich. People who are themselves going through difficulties have put themselves out there for me time and time again. Tanya, Trish, Sheila, Merline, Pauline, Audrey have truly gone beyond the call of duty! My co-workers whose names I won't mention to protect their privacy have all given me a shoulder to cry on, an arm to lean on and ears to speak into. They have offered me shelter, protection and kindness. I like to reflect on this when I start to feel down. It is a great recipe for Instant Sunshine!

When I got home I had a nice email from the old hound's sister in law. I will have to come up with a suitable pseudonym for her! His whole family is quite remarkable, and I was delighted to hear from her. She has a quiet strength and a warmth that I admire greatly. The wonderful thing is, I don't think they realize just how remarkable they all are. They have a sense of family and honour that is not often seen anymore. Their children show an individuality and intelligence that will take them far. I shouldn't say children because they are young women, I am just showing my age! There is a genuineness about all of that family that is outstanding. Each brother is totally different from the other, yet they share core qualities that show what a special upbringing they must have had. Very lucky indeed!

"Sometimes a life, like a house, needs renovating, the smell of new wood, new rooms in the heart, unimagined until one begins the work. One rebuilds because the structure deserves a renewing"  Doris Schwerin 

"Is not this the true romantic feeling - not to desire to escape life, but to prevent life from escaping you?"  Thomas Wolfe

As more and more people see the interior photographs of my home I have to smile at the variety of reactions and the vehemence of some. This appears to be a house that conjours up strong feelings!

Many well meaning folk are alarmed by the sheer size of it. Others by the age. Most by the amount of work that will be involved in restoring and then maintaining it. Those who know me best of all are not a bit suprised by my choice.( I have a penchant for open spaces, do not like big city life, have been known to take big bites out of life lately (I refuse to say bit off MORE than I can chew because I haven't choked yet!), rise to a challenge and have a habit of rooting for the underdog!)

Is it not that way in life also? Aren't many people afraid to make changes because of the very same issues? The sheer size of a task that requires one to change can cause abandonment before the job is even begun. As for age, many say "oh, I'm too old for that" or "by the time I finish I'll be too old".

Julia Cameron put it very nicely when she writes (and I am paraphrasing):  "Do you know how old I'll be when I finish - (writing that book, painting, whatever) ?"  Her reply is a very smart "The same age as if you don't start".

You have nothing to lose by trying, not even time because the time you spend on any project whether to completion or not is time spent learning and growing. Stretching creative muscles, especially those that haven't been used in a while can be painful and the process of learning new skills can be frightening, but that doesn't make it worth missing the experience. The worst thing that can happen is that somebody out there won't appreciate or like your effort. Actually, that is an absolute guarantee to happen because nobody does anything that everybody likes. The best thing that can happen is that YOU will like what you did, or at least enjoy the journey that got you there.

Renovating a house and maintaining it can parallel or mirror other aspects of our lives. How you approach a task often effects how well (or poorly) it is done and our enjoyment of it.

Is gardening a chore, a bore, an irritation? Or is it a chance to experience the sacred in nature. A chance to ground yourself and clear your mind of clutter. A time of peace and wonder or something to be done as quickly as possible.

Ones home should be a haven from the hustle and bustle of the pressure of everyday life. A place where you can close the door, take a deep breath, close your eyes and smile letting the atmosphere envelope you. Home should beckon and welcome friends to share both happiness and times of difficulty. You can make taking care of it a chore or a joy - the choice is up to you and how you approach it.

Many times you can "feel" the atmosphere of a house as soon as you approach it and step in the front door. I truly believe that homes pick up the vibrations of those living within its walls. Is your home filled with peace, or fear, hatred and anger? Does it reflect those emotions?

Once you start the renovation, either of life or home (or both), you become infused with energy. As you see the progress it fuels the fire and are spurred on to continue. It can be exhausting and frustrating, but the reward at the end makes it all worth it.

I can see past the clutter and dust and damage and have visions of warmth and gleaming hardwood and quiet comfort. I can also see past the clutter, dust and damage in myself as I "renovate" my life at the same time because I believe both structures deserve a renewing!

Spirits In The House?

A funny thing happened when I was looking at the photos I took of the interior of my new house........

Now lately, as those of you who know me personally are aware, often when I take photos these mysterious "orbs" appear. Not always, and never in the same conditions, so it isn't my camera. To further prove this, I have had them appear on another camera I own. I had not been aware of the existence of these "orbs" until the old hound asked me one day if I ever had "circles" appear in any of my pictures. I told him no. He takes many pictures while working and often had seen them. Shortly after that I went to the Markham Fall Fair and my pictures were full of them. Circles that appear to have a nucleus all swirling around. When Tanya, Merline and I went to the Flamenco place several pictures had these "orbs". Shiela had never heard of these "orbs" until I showed them to her, and now they are starting to appear on some of her pictures.

While I was in the house on Monday I took many, many pictures of the exterior and interior. Most appear normal. On two photos there obvious "orbs". On one photo you could almost make out a face on the landing over the stairs! Having seen these obvious anomalies I will enlarge and look more closely at the others.

Does this disturb me? No, not at all. I have always experienced these orbs in a positive, pleasant environment. I have never had a "bad" feeling about them. They seem to occur during happy circumstances in places of good energy.

As soon as I entered "my" house (as I can now call it ) I liked it. I have said all along that it wasn't the most logical house for me, but something drew me to it. When I am in it, I feel at home, even though it won't be mine until May. I feel safe and protected in it, even though it is huge. I can picture laughter and happiness in that house. Silliness and joy. I truly believe that whoever or whatever is in that house with me welcomes me there. Perhaps they know that I plan to bring it back to its former glory and fill it with creative, positive energy.

Those who know me are aware that my spiritual path is non traditional for this society. I do consider myself a deeply religious person, just not in the usual accepted Christian sense. This is disturbing to many people who are quick to rush to judgement of that which they do not understand out of fear and years of conditioning. I respect the beliefs of others, and would ask the same of them. I do not push my beliefs on others, people must choose the path that is right for themselves.

I do not fear the dead, but I do have a healthy respect for them! The house feels like it has a positive aura, and being built in 1930 it has probably seen alot. It will be interesting to see what will happen once I am living there. Will I have a "guardian spirit" watching over me? Will the house spirit help guide my renovations? Another fascinating new twist to this adventure!

There was no place for this light to have come from, and it appears to be a group of "orbs" as you can see separate orbs coming from the burst of energy. I took a second photo immediately after and orbs are present in that photo also.

There are orbs to the left and if you use your imagination you can almost see a figure hovering above the stairs by the macrame wall hanging!

I hadn't really addressed the meeting I had with my mother on Sunday. I had felt some really mixed messages and don't want to get my hopes up just to be dashed again. On the other hand I want to keep the door open and the lines of communication free.

When I arrived on Sunday afternoon and gave her the flowers she pointed out a plant that my soon to be ex husband had brought her earlier that morning. The irony of that situation was that I had mentioned it was her birthday at the lawyers meeting and had mentioned that I was going to see her and bring flowers on Sunday.

The reception was chilly, but she spoke to me which is something at least...... She asked how my Christmas was and if I had gone away. (I had left messages over the holidays letting them know where I was). The conversation was polite but disinterested as if I were an aquaintance rather than a family member.

I decided to bite the bullet and let them know I had bought a house. The reaction?  "What are you going to do with a house?". My answer: LIVE IN IT!  My dream is to have a home filled with happiness. One that rings with laughter and resounds with joy.

Right now I have enough on my plate to deal with. I realize that soon I will be taking on alot of responsibility, more than I have ever had to do on my own. For now, in the meantime, can't I have my fun? Can't I just enjoy the excitement of the moment and savor the good parts? I want to plan and dream right now, even fantasize a little. I don't want to be brought down by worrying about shovelling snow, mowing grass (buying a lawn mower), cleaning rain gutters, paying repair bills and the sheer mountain of  work involved in the upkeep of a house. I want to furnish rooms, pick paint colours and light fixtures, even if it is just in my fantasy world.

Dealing with the lawyers, insurance and banks are stressful enough. There has to be a bit of fun involved to make it bearable. I need to have something to look forward to besides all the hard stuff! Advice to all you xangans out there - DO NOT try to get divorced, work out a separation agreement, buy a house and work full time - DO NOT do these things all at once. My head is so crammed with little bits of details I don't know if I am coming or going. I keep mixing up legal things to do with the house and the divorce and am terrified I will forget something vital to my existence. Circumstance forced me to bite off a bigger morsel of life than I might have chosen given the option, but I am managing.

My parents do not approve of my life choices. They do not believe that I need a house and they do not believe that I can manage a house.  I have no control over that, but I do have control over how I react. I cannot keep putting my heart on the line over and over just to have it crushed. I'm just not that strong anymore.  They are my parents and I would dearly love for them to be proud of me and for all that I have accomplished. At  the very least I would like for them to accept me as I am, as I have tried to accept them. I realize that they did the best they could in the circumstances they faced. I would like for them to just be happy for me and for the choices that I have made, because I am happier right now than I have ever been in my life. Never mind the stress, the million things that need to be done, the million and one thing that I'll forget, when it comes right down to it - I am happy.

I will move into my home and let them know that they will always be welcome to visit. Hopefully they will come and want to share in my happiness.

Inspection Completed!

My much anticipated house inspection took place yesterday. I was anxious because if anything major turned up requiring a big investment to repair I simply wouldn't be able to take on the house. It probably isn't as much of an issue in a newer home, but this one is about 75 years old. That means it comes with old world charm, but can also come with old world problems!

The old hound was sick and I was terribly worried about him. I desperately wanted him to see the house because there wouldn't be many more opportunities until I actually move in, but I didn't like the thought of him having to hang around while he wasn't feeling well. He had a fever and was achy and sore. I gave him a tylenol and off we went for his first glimpse and.........He liked the house! He liked the yard!  

The inspector was very thorough and the owners, Leo and Rachel were very accommodating. The process was several hours long and I am sure it was very invasive to have all these strangers poking around your home. I am glad I met the owners though, I think it makes a difference. She is going to leave me her plants as they can't take them all the way to Nova Scotia and assured me that they wouldn't leave the house "in a mess" for me.

This was also the first time I got to really look around in depth. I got a real sense of "home" there. On the plus side, the more time I spent in the house, the more I realized that what would need to be done wasn't as overwhelming as I originally thought. As I walked around I again savoured the feeling of spaciousness and character.

The wiring is all fine (a real concern in an old home). The plumbing is mostly fine with just a bit of galvanized steel piping, the rest is copper. (no lead). No moisture problems, no foundation problems, no roof problems. Some outside work needs to be done, but nothing too expensive or extensive. Something called "parging" around the outside base of the house, a bit of wood repair on the mud room addition and replacement of the basement windows. The garage roof shingles are old and the shed roof needs a bit of work, but that can wait.

I found out that the yard contains two pear trees and a cherry tree. There are raspberry canes and grape vines. Lilac bushes, a mulberry bush and a snowball bush are also there . The yard itself is simply amazing and really defies description. I can't wait to put some bird feeders out, I am sure there are alot of songbirds in the area.  

The inspector gave me a binder with all the information in it about what needs to be done, could be done and should be done so it will be easier for me to prioritize. One problem is the wood stove in the basement which for insurance and safety purposes is probably better for me to remove. The wood stove in the workshop should also be removed, mainly for insurance purposes. The oil tank/furnace should be removed and converted to gas. One window in the main floor bathroom should be replaced eventually. Other than that the inside of the house will all be cosmetic changes.

The house inspection was a long process, but in my opinion well worth the money. He checked every light switch inside for wiring problems, checked all the plugs,water pressure, appliances,  everything you could think of.

When we got back to my apartment it was obvious that the old hound was not getting any better, in fact he was getting worse. I made him some soup, gave him some advil and put him to bed. At one point his fever was 39! After some sleep he started to perk up a bit and by this morning he was almost back to his usual self. That was a relief because I  was very worried about him!

Now, I just have to get a lawyer to do the transfer and find some house insurance. Then it will be a matter of waiting until the closing date. The excitement is starting to build. I took lots of "before" photos so I can plan while I wait. I also made a floor plan with some free software so I can play at arranging my furniture.

I can also make a list of all the things I will need. No more designer bags and shoes, it will be: a bucket, a rake, a screwdriver etc. etc.!  It will be exciting learning about how do do this things myself. Instead of Winners and Jones of New York my new hangouts will be Home Depot and Rona hardware!

Back to....Normal?

 What on earth will I do with myself when things "get back to normal"? Someone asked me this not so long ago. I don't think things ever really do become "normal", not in my life anyway!

When the house deal is all done, my settlement all cleared up, my divorce final, my beloved car repaired....it it will be time to: relax? Nope. Find a suitable place to store my belongings as they have to be out of the house by January 31st. , move my belongings to storage, find a moving company for my apartment furniture, start packing....etc. Never mind all the work that will need to be done when I finally get into the place! Phone, cable, gas hook up, hot water, change of address (again), and probably one million and six other things that I haven't thought of yet.

This is when something happens to me that I call "deer in the headlights syndrome". Sometimes I start to feel so overwhelmed by everything that I simply can't move. I can't go forward, I can't go backward. I am immobilized. No fight or flight response, I freeze. This is not necessarily a bad thing as it gives me a chance to recoup my energy which is exactly what I did yesterday. I completely neglected taking care of any of the numerous tasks at hand. I slept in until noon as I had a bad night of troublesome dreams. I then ran away and did nothing even remotely practical or useful. I drove to Port Perry and drank in the scenery. I had an unhealthy (but yummy) lunch/dinner of fish and chips in a local restaurant. I looked in some of their eclectic shops. Then I headed to the crowded, smoky casino and lost my worries (but luckily not my cash) in the crowd. The table games were packed and only a few slots were free. I had  brought two hundred dollars with me that I had earmarked this month for "whatever". I had some remarkable luck with quite a few nice wins and also my largest single win ever of 1000 dollars! (my dear friend Audrey who has known me for over twenty years always claimed I was born with horseshoes up my *ss!) That win was on a nickel machine of twenty lines with one nickel bet per line! The money will definately come in handy, but even if I hadn't won it was nice to get completely away from everything familiar and not even think for a moment about everything that keeps whirling around inside my neurotic brain, even if only for a few hours. Actually it was more than a few hours, I didn't get home until the wee hours.

So why then am I up so early? Sleep doesn 't come easily to me, even when I am tired. Back here in ghetto land reality doesn't take long to come crashing back. I am no longer immobilized though, I am ready to gather myself up and head back into the fray.

My mother's birthday is coming up next week. I want to stop by and bring her some flowers this afternoon. I don't know what kind of reaction I will get. Neither my mother or father has spoken to me since before Christmas, the last time I went to see them.

I had a sad thought. If I don't give them my new address when I move in May, they won't even know where I am. Blood is thicker than water indeed! I don't know yet whether or not I will tell them about the house today. I will play it by ear.

The house inspection is tomorrow. I am praying that everything goes well and there is nothing dreadfully wrong with it. It would be very hard to have to start looking all over again after being this close. I am so excited that the old hound is finally going to get to see the house tomorrow. He will either love it or hate it, and I really have no idea which one it will be.

I now have to go grocery shopping, come back and tidy myself up and then go see my parents. Isn't it awful to be a grown middle aged woman who is nervous about seeing her own parents? I would never have believed I would be in this situation if someone had told me even a year ago.

Merline says when I come out of all this I will know I can handle anything and will be a stronger person for it. Strength is good, but I don't want to become hard or cynical. I still want to hold onto my somewhat rose coloured way of looking at the world. That being said, I joined the Canadian Federation of Poets this week and see that they are calling for submissions for their anthology. The topic was (and I am paraphrasing here) about the "brighter side of life". I leafed through my collection of ditties and was a bit mortified to find nothing terribly cheerful in my latest efforts. They were downright dark and somewhat dismal. That is not a reflection of how I am feeling. I just seem to explore the dirt under the rock rather than the rock itself when I write.  Perhaps I don't have anything to say about the good, cheerful stuff. Maybe it speaks for itself. Anyway, Hallmark would definately not be hiring me based on my latest works!

HERE IT IS FOLKS!!

"If You asked me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud." Emile Zola

"A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for." John Shedd

What better way to start of the day than with not one, but two quotes!  

For so much of my many (many, many!) years of life I have not lived out loud. Quite the opposite. I have lived quietly and safely in the shadows. Sometimes the shadows of objects, at other times the shadows of other people. I was always afraid. Afraid to assert myself and my opinions, afraid of  "what people would think", my family, neighbors, friends even complete strangers. I even recall being afraid to call the police when I was in a life threatening situation because I didn't want the neighbors to know what was happening.

Self esteem, confidence, pride, all these traits need to be nurtured and grown. If you cannot express who you are then you soon begin to forget who you are. You lose yourself and melt into the background. You ignore your own needs because you don't feel they are important or worthy. You begin to feel unhappy, frustrated and helpless. Other people can't help you meet your needs because if you don't know what they are then nobody else will be able to figure it out for you.

Alot of our fears and foibles are developed in childhood and continue as we grow into adulthood. What you learn at a young age you often continue to practice throughout your life unless you can recognize the destructive pattern and actively work to break it.

My upbringing was based on a "negative" type of praise and a downplaying of expectation. If you got a "B", it should have been an "A", but you won't because you aren't that smart. I was always taught that my value was based on what I could bring to others, not what I could bring to myself. In my teens it was time to "look for a husband, someone to look after you", because I "obviously" couldn't manage on my own. When I was married the expectation was to be a "good" wife. The house must run smoothly, according to the wishes of the "man of the house". My own ideas, desires and needs were often put by the wayside (by myself) in order to fulfill this unrealistic utopian dream.

When everything unravelled and the utopian dream came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks I was not prepared to handle it. For fifteen years I had based the foundation of my entire being on something that had become completely unstable. Luckily for me my friends intervened and I truly believe they literally saved my life. I was directed to counselling, given many offers of assistance and shelter and showered with a caring and love that I still find overwhelming. Even now I become very emotional just thinking about it.

It has now been almost one year since I embarked on a brand new life. I have stumbled at times, but with the help and prayers of the most outstanding people I have ever been blessed to know, I have made it.

One year of pain, loss, struggle, fear, tears and heartache. One year of joy, freedom, learning, laughter and love. One year of mice, roaches, no heat, no money, no hot water, curtains falling, stoves breaking, pigeons (and more pigeons!). One year of pot-luck parties, sleep overs, sharing a bottle of wine and solving the problems of the world (and some of our own!). One year of meeting someone special and learning to trust and love all over again. One year of learning who I am and more importantly who I want to be.

2005 is going to be my year of  "Living Loud". My ship has left the harbor and is sailing in uncharted waters but I am going to savour every minute of the voyage. I am sure there will be storms to navigate through and rapids to challenge me but I feel confident that I will make it . The nice thing about this trip is that there is no final destination, just the joy of travelling. I am hoping that my friends will join me on this wild ride - I will need all the crew members I can get!!